African parenting styles
Like any good Nigerian/African parent, I mainly shout at my children. Nothing really, really bad, just the usual “Do your homework, NOW” kind of thing. I love my children deeply, and despite the challenges of parenthood, I have thoroughly enjoyed raising them. When they were very young was the best time – the only ‘negative’ aspect was that they insisted on talking to me every single minute of the day, to the extent that normal everyday things became impossible: I didn’t have a shower for four years after my eldest son turned up. (Why do very young children also insist on telling you things that you already know, for example “Look, mummy, it’s a motorcycle!”? Literally no added value whatsoever.)
My African parent style is this: as much as I love my children, I’m not one to shy away from discipline. Nigerian-style parenting/discipline is what just works. It’s true that my non-Nigerian husband is not always fully on board with this. Yet what I long for is that my boys turn out to be wildly successful, self-motivated and down-to-earth. What in God’s name is wrong with that?
My African parent or, more precisely, my Nigerian parent techniques are to be found in the trusty guilt/shame/blackmail triumvirate. I cannot get on board with the star-chart performative type of discipline: “Here’s a GOLD star, Rupert, for not burning down the kitchen.” Or the naughty step ‘punishment’, ie chillax zone. No, much more effective is this:
“I asked you to do your homework immediately after you came home from school. Your homework remains in your school bag. This is yet another piece of evidence that you are heading for a life as a shelf-stacker in XXX supermarket. God help you!”
I follow this with the most dramatic look of RADA-grade pity I can muster. Note that to use this technique effectively, all discipline roads must lead back to “life as a shelf-stacker at XXX supermarket.” For example, “You got a B in your English Literature? A what? Did you say…B? (Exasperated look, with theatrical shakes of the head.) Is this what I am paying school fees for? Tchew. It’s fine. I guess XXX supermarket will have you.” This is such a great technique; it really focuses their minds, trust me. And my fellow Nigerian mums will know this truth: our children have to work twice as hard to be seen, let alone heard, compared with their white counterparts. Things were going so well until I got a call from his school asking me to come in to discuss some ‘anxieties’ in my son that his teachers were picking up. I’ll leave it there.
If you don’t quite identify yourself with this kind of parenting, perhaps one of the below is more your style?
1) The ‘helicopter’ African parent. With this style of parenting, you see your children in terms of what they should become, rather than who they are, and you intensively parent your children to achieve the goals you have for them. You do your best to protect them from any kind of adversity, meaning you restrict where they go and what they do. Total supervision and total surveillance mark the helicopter parent. Your children are your grand production; something you shape, mould and nurture with an intended outcome in mind.
2) The ‘you are not allowed to make any mistakes’ African parent. You will not tolerate mistakes of any kind, especially once a child is old enough to, say, walk unaided. Break a vase? Good luck. This type of parenting style believes that all mistakes are avoidable.
3) The ‘God is in control’ African parent. You believe that the same God who blessed you with your children is the same God that will raise them, feed them and clothe them. They may be struggling with a whole range of issues, but you know that you need never intervene in any way: God will take care of it.
4) The ‘life is more important’ African parent. You believe that all you need to do to raise your children is to clothe them, feed them, send them to school and take them to the doctor when that’s necessary. You do not believe there is any need to have a relationship of any substance with your child. The only relationship that matters is that which you have with your husband; what also matters is the kind of life, the faaji, you have with him. So bring on the owambes, life is for a living!
5) The ‘be-like-the Bankoles’ African parent. You are ultra-competitive. If a ‘friend’ (ie rival) in the parenting stakes has a son who has just been admitted to UCL to study Law, for example, you will force your Biology-loving son to work until the skin falls off his proverbial in order to get him into Oxford, Cambridge or Harvard – to study Law. Never mind that your child even despises the subject. You will do whatever it takes to get him to surpass the achievements of your friend’s son or daughter.
6) The ‘woke’ (snowflake) African parent. With this style of African parenting, certainly Nigerian parenting, you genuinely believe your children are gifts from God. As such, you love them and support them to become the very best versions of themselves. You love their company and treasure every minute you have with them, in the knowledge that one day they will have to leave and make their own way in life. You understand that children need opportunities to engage and explore and challenge their world – you actively encourage this so that they develop the psychological resilience they need to navigate the vicissitudes of life. And your children know that you are always there for them; that wherever you are, is ‘home’.
Which type of African parent are you? Be honest. Let us know in the comments below!
